What are your emotions trying to tell you? The purpose of “bad” emotions.
Unlike many of us taught to think, there are no “bad” or “good” emotions. Emotions are simply feelings that arise as we live our life. They are internal alarms of our safety, sanity and wellbeing, evolutionary established to help us survive and thrive in complex environments.
If anything, emotions are on your side.
Unfortunately, we don’t often hear this. We get scolded when we cry over a broken toy, when we are angry at our mom, or scared of taking exams. It is often considered shameful to show you have feelings, that you are vulnerable. Especially negative emotions, but it happens with positive ones too.
This is sad yet understandable. Our awareness of emotions and ability to work with feelings is a somewhat recent advancement of humanity (although some people still blame demons for their behaviour (not you, obviously)).
The good news is that we can learn at any age to accept our emotions without suppressing them and to use them to make our life more enjoyable.
Of course, the first step would be (not to blame demons) to recognise that you feel something unpleasant and to pause.
Then you will need to understand what are the emotions you are experiencing.
After that, you should brainstorm solutions to fix the situation, but since we are not very well trained in it, you can use our cheat sheet to know what to do:
Anger/Annoyance - a signal that our boundaries are pushed or our needs are not met.
What is it for?
Anger tells you that something is frustrating, unjust or hurtful. It encourages you to resolve conflict, know your limits and make changes in your life.
What to do?
Take some time off to digest to not act impulsively (scream into a pillow, beat a boxing bag, do intense physical activity, or write down all your thoughts).
Understand what exactly made you angry and what needs/values/boundaries of yours were violated. Put it into words.
Communicate to the offender in a structure “fact - emotion - unmet need - request of change”.
For example, “When you don’t call me after school - I get anxious - I have to know when you are done so that I can plan my day - Could you please call me after your classes are over?”
*the next time the person will repeat the mistake, repeat yourself like a parrot. If the person violates it too much despite your repeating request, ask yourself why you are spending time with this person.
Other things to know: when experiencing anger or annoyance, consider the following actions in a respected order. Only go for the next one if the previous one is not possible to achieve:
Change the situation.
Make a plan of changing the situation with time and preparation. Write down your steps and allocated time.
Change your attitude towards this situation by looking for meaning and values. Search for additional meaningfulness in this situation. Example: I’m doing this to save my family from starving.
Sadness - signal us that we have lost something: a person, dreams, plans for the future, hopes.
What is it for?
Sadness enables us to realise that we’ve lost something important. It helps us to understand ourselves better and to move on.
What to do?
Do not suppress. Find the way to express this feeling through writing your emotions down or allocating time for contemplation.
Try to get closure or end the situation. Think about how you can reach your goal in other ways.
Guilt and Shame - tell that we did something unacceptable, and we mustn’t repeat it in the future.
What is it for?
It helps to keep the boundaries of respect between people and to direct our actions.
What to do?
Evaluate how rational is this feeling. Is it really that critical? Is it indeed a bad thing to do?
Plan your future actions using the formula “Analysis of facts - conclusion - plan for the future”.
For example: “I badmouthed my friend at the party- I didn’t mean it, I feel embarrassed now - I’m not going to do it again the next time we go out - the next time I hear others do it I will change the topic of conversation. I will also apologise to my friend.”
Fear and Anxiety - signals that there is a danger, and we might not handle it. It tells us that we need to hide from the threat or prepare to face it.
What is it for?
Fear is a highly beneficial emotion. It warns us of danger and encourages us to protect ourselves.
What to do?
Establish the particular topic that gives you anxiety. What are the components of it? What are you unsure about?
Put down steps for handling this situation better. Brainstorm what would make you feel more prepared in the future, and do it.
Disgust - signals that something is unacceptable for us, and we need to get away from it.
What is it for?
Disgust is a kind of anger. It plays a role in protecting your wellbeing (eating rotten food, getting diseased). It may hide the thought you refuse to acknowledge. It protects you from your fears. Disgust can help you to know yourself better and to know what is good and bad for you.
What to do?
Identify what triggered this feeling. Is it justified?
Think about how you can better manage the situation next time it appears.
Let us know if you tried it and how did it go for you!
Some helpful pages on this topic: https://www.teljeunes.com/Tel-jeunes-en/All-topics/Well-being/Managing-your-emotions
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