The Four-Part Nonviolent Communication Process.
Relationships are hard work because it involves lots of communication about most important things. Unfortunately for us, we were never taught how to communicate properly. By properly, I mean nonviolently, clear, without bursting emotions that confuse, and effective, meaning you get what you want by the end of the conversation. Usually, we, mortals, talk to each other as others speak to us, which is often vague, especially when there is a conflict of interests.
As we mentioned before, inspired by these issues, M. Rosenberg created the structure of Non-Violent Communication, which helps people worldwide speak clearly and listen attentively.
Today let’s look into the structure in more detail.
First thing first, this formula applies for situations when you want to:
Clearly express yourself, or;
Listen and hear what is being said.
Both very useful for solving conflicts with your partner or even at work ;)
Before we can get into that, remember to:
Not blame or criticise;
Don’t feel blamed or criticised.
Now, you are ready to look into the formula.
Let’s discuss how we are supposed to express ourselves to solve conflicts:
Make an observation of the situation that annoys/upsets you.
Structure it saying: “When I see/hear/remember/etc. …”. Remember to use the pronoun “I”. Talk about you and your feelings at this moment.
Example: “When I see you sitting on the couch the whole evening….”
2. Now let’s make them understand the intricacies of our feelings.
Continue: “...I feel sad/angry/fearful/etc. …”. Be careful not to say a thought instead of the feeling. You can use our Feelings Wheel to help you with that.
Example: “When I see you sitting on the couch the whole evening, I feel angry and upset...”. Don’t say: “like you don’t care about me”, “like you don’t love me”, etc. because these are thoughts, not feelings.
3. Managed? Let’s now say what is the need or value of ours that another person is violating.
Say “...because I value/need…”. Don’t forget to keep using the “I” pronoun.
Example: “When I see you sitting on the couch the whole evening, I feel angry and upset because I need to have some of my free time as well. I am doing all the work at home in the evening, but I need you to help me because I get too tired, and I need to know you are with me on this.”
4. Great! By this point, your partner already knows what’s the problem. However, he might still not know how to solve it, so let’s help them out by finishing with a request:
“Would you be willing to…?”. Make sure not to pose it as a demand. Give them the freedom to accept your proposition or to decline it because nobody wants to be a tyrant.
Example: “When I see you sitting on the couch the whole evening, I feel angry and upset because I need to have some of my free time as well. I am doing all the work at home in the evening, but I need you to help me because I get too tired and I need to know you are with me on this. Would you be willing to share my chores in the evening so that I can rest more and we can have more time together later?”
By this point, you made yourself (hopefully) crystal clear. There is less opportunity for miscommunication, and your partner knows precisely what you want from them.
Of course, this sounds easy in principle yet much trickier to execute. Why is that so? Conflicts are usually heated, and we don’t pause enough to understand ourselves, our feelings and our needs clearly enough to communicate and place a reasonable request. However, with enough training, we all can achieve this level of communication.
Hopefully, your life is conflict-free right now, but if it’s not - you what you have to do!
P.S. some people are more challenging to talk to than others. Don’t despair! One person doing the right thing and saying the right thing will eventually change the other one. You’ll have to be patient for that, though. Alternatively, you can rethink your connections ;).
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