To put it shortly, because treating yourself like somebody you care about is capable of getting you out of unnecessary misery and making you a more functional part of your community. Now, let me elaborate.

Disliking the statement.

The “love yourself” call that you see in modern blogs is so new to our cultures that it often gets begrudgingly ignored. People tend to assume it is an invitation to egoism, a starting point of narcissism, or a sign of the rising individualism in modern generations.

We can assign this reaction at least partially to the fact that as in my own post-soviet culture and many of my international acquaintances both from the East and the West, for the longest time, self-sacrificing was the primary value that guided people’s actions.

Self-preservation vs common good.

However, focus on communal well-being is not the only thing that is natural for the socially dependent species like us. We also, if not, more importantly, have a biological responsibility to protect and care for our individual selves. To put us even further from staking community benefit over the self-benefit, humans are painfully aware of their own mortality. This alone is enough to raise serious questions about self-sacrifice. And here is where we get this as old as times conflict of self-preservation versus acting for the common good. 

Which one is more important? Both are, and that is the challenge. 

The problem of extremes.

The problem becomes apparent when individuals lean to one side of the extreme. Whether doing what’s good for everybody while disregarding one’s needs, which leads to burnout, martyrdom and passive aggression, not to mention the price it has on one’s health; or acting selfishly at the cost of others’ wellbeing, leading to antisocial behaviours - both are dangerous in the long term to oneself and those around them. 

To live productively and happily in our communities, we have to walk the silver lining between the two. You heard that in an aircraft: “Put your oxygen masks first, and then help others”. Caring for ourselves is our responsibility so that we can care for others. So is loving ourselves comes before loving our family, neighbours or the planet. 

So granted we know how to act for the common good, how do we show love to ourselves?

First, we need to root out toxic ideas that confront this calling. To do that, you can simply watch your thoughts when you think about the phrase “love yourself”, write your objections down and then look at them rationally and carefully. 

For example, you might notice that your first reaction is a cynical smirk. Once you dig down for the reasons, you find out that you were taught to believe that suffering is part of worthwhile existence. 

At this point, you have to decide if this belief is helpful to you and if you want to keep it. Does it make you do your responsibilities better or worse? Does it motivate you or does it make you bitter? If you want to get rid of it, you can replace this belief with a more positive one. For example, you can say to yourself -  “I do not have to suffer to being a good mother/husband/etc. In fact, the happier I am, the more energy and attention I get to give to my children/spouse/etc.”. 

What did we just do? We changed the core belief that guides your action to a more helpful one, so that, as an example, next time you are tired, you will take a nap instead of being pushed by guilt to do your child’s homework. And after you take that nap, you will have more patience to wait until your kiddo figures out the homework himself, thus learning to study independently. 

This is a very simple example, but do not underestimate the power of changing your core beliefs because those are the guys who guide and direct your actions, whether you are aware of it or not. Making your life feel easier and more pleasurable is a choice. You can go on the way you are, or you can try to change it for the better. 

Another unhelpful idea you might have when learning to love yourself is that “if I do not force myself, then I will do nothing good or productive”. 

To break your doubts, it has been proven and I am sure experienced by you that caring for others and doing good to others feels just as great if not better than doing it for yourself. As social creatures, we are programmed to love it. So if you put down the whip with which you beat yourself up, you might discover a natural motivation to do the right thing without having to guilt-trip yourself.

One more pitfall you should be aware of on this journey is our tendency to run from hard work. I know I said we want to do the right thing, but hear me out. 

Many people in helping professions experience this pull to care for others, completely forgetting about themselves because personal issues are much harder to deal with. Actually, self-love is not easy. It takes some guts to look yourself in the eyes, forgive all you have to forgive and let go of grudges, and say, “Hey, I deserve my own love”. 

At first, you might get overwhelmed with things that start purring at you as a result of opening this door. All the things that you have swept under the carpet will come back and demand your attention. You will have to really look at your life and start resolving your hurts and learning how to care for yourself with kind compassion. It is easy to do for others because you have not been hurt by them as much as you were by yourself with all the bad choices and broken promises and failed expectations which pile up year after year. In fact, I think the purest form of love is learned by loving the one that hurt you the most - which is yourself. 

So what does it exactly mean to love oneself?

There are many ways to love. Commonly, self-love that is promoted by psychologists is compared to the love a parent has to his child. It can be described as unconditional love and acceptance, spirited with kindness and compassion, wishing what is best for the one. 

Spiritually speaking, it can be compared to the love God has for humanity. It is a more holistic type of love where guidance and discipline are given on a plate of love, compassion, infinite patience and forgiveness. I know it’s a long shot but this is a good aim to keep in mind so that we do not accidentally spiral down towards unhealthy behaviours.

If you’d like more practical tips, here is what you can do to train your love muscle.

Experiment with standing in front of the mirror and telling yourself these things:

• I love and accept myself as I am.

• I forgive myself. I deserve my own love and compassion. 

• I am safe with myself. I can be as I am.

Choose one every day and repeat as many times as needed to fully feel the meaning of words. Notice your own reaction to them and reflect on it. You might start feeling very sceptical and even angry, sad, you might start crying - this is all part of the process. Basically, these emotions mean that there are some wounds to be healed and you can start healing by simply saying these affirmations as often as you can. 

In my experience, the more I do it, the more neutral (rather than pessimistic) my mood is on average, the easier it is to have a healthier diet and exercising routine and more overall productive and friendly I am. 

So what is happening? We are practically learning to be our own friend instead of a ruler which benefits our psychological and physiological well-being.

Let’s wrap it up.

It is easy to assume that self-love is about selfishness and narcissism. However, it couldn’t be further from the truth. Excessive egoism and narcissism are products of a troubled and suffering mind which resists itself (unless the person is a psychopath which is quite rare). In fact, narcissists often struggle with self-worth and self-esteem. 

Healthy self-love has a lot to do with kindness and strength of heart to love, forgive, be honest, empathise and accept oneself and, as a result of that, others.

When you treat yourself like a dear friend, you get out of survival into wholesome living. You become a healthy, happy and reliable source of support and care in one’s own community which fulfils you and gives you a sense of meaning and joy in life. 

We literally love ourselves to love others. 

Although it is not an easy process and likely to strike a lot of inner resistance, the fruits of it are worth your time and effort. If you have been living for a long time in vicious circles of self-deprecation, it might take some time and repeated exercising to consciously remind yourself about what it is you are striving to be - a joyful loving human being.

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