Marshall Rosenberg, a famous American psychologist, argued that people’s natural state is a state of compassion. In his well-known work, called Nonviolent Communication (NVC), he describes a way of interacting with others that is the most effective, clear and able to solve any conflicts. NVC supports our peaceful state and makes our relationships more productive and satisfying. Meanwhile, certain language and mindsets contribute to violent behaviour towards each other and ourselves. He calls this a life-alienating communication - the communication that focuses on rights and wrongs and labels who is what. 

One such form of communication is called Moralistic Judgment.

When people don’t act in accordance with our values, we fail to understand their behaviour and jump to determine how bad they are.

Here is how it might sound: “The problem with you is that you’re too selfish.” “She’s lazy.” “They’re prejudiced.” “It’s inappropriate.” 

Blame, insults, labels, criticism, comparison, and diagnosis are forms of judgment.

Think about the last time you called somebody “unreasonable.” Did the labelled one do something you neither understood nor could justify? The chances are that is the case.

The language that categorizes and analyses others’ behaviour might be useful at some points. However, it is not helpful when we solve issues with one another since the moment you make a judgment, you provoke a defence reaction which in turn alienates you both from having a productive conversation.

What to do?

A helpful way to deal with judgments is to look at them as values and needs. The words that slip from your mouth when you are annoyed or angry at someone can be valuable hints at what exactly you require. Phrase it as such, and you might get what you want from the other person instead of provoking a fight.
That is not to say that nothing can be achieved with violent language (read: judgmental labelling), but as a result, the blamed person will act out of fear, shame, or guilt - which will be bad for your relationships in the long run. 

For example, let’s say your partner didn’t wash dishes after himself. You get angry, and you are dying to make a fight and call him out. You’ll probably want to say that he is irresponsible or careless. But since you are interested in a good and lasting relationship, instead of acting those thought out, try to pause and phrase your condemnation into your needs. Being so angry at a couple of dishes, perhaps, you really value cleanliness and order. Now that you are clear about what you require, phrase it to your partner as nonviolently as you can and concentrate o the pronoun “I”: “I really need our kitchen to be clean. It is very important to me. Would you please keep it clean by washing dishes after yourself?”.

This is way different from: “You are so careless! You never do what I ask you to!”. 

The first approach will serve to find a workable solution between you two. The second one will make him either scream back at you, saying how ungrateful you are, or shamefully withdraw to the kitchen to clean the dishes while contemplating how bad he is as a partner (both options are pretty bad).

Another form of communication that creates life-alienating conversations is denying responsibility for your actions.

We all do it often unknowingly. It is noticeable in the subtle use of words that turns the responsibility away: “I cleaned my room because I had to”, “I hit my child because he run onto the street”, “I lied to the client because the boss told me to”, “ I started smoking because all my friends did”, “This is superior orders”, etc.

In a way, we are shifting the blame.

While those reasons might be true to some extent, phrasing it in such a manner turns attention from the fact that you chose to do those actions in the first place. Nobody should be able to force you into anything against your will, and if they do, you are in the wrong company. Otherwise, all your actions, suggested or not, are your own choices. It is your choice to follow your boss’s direction, your parents will, or even the law. Life is yours to live. The actions and results they breed are yours to shoulder. 

Why denying responsibility is bad?

By doing it, you take yourself out of the position to make changes. In his book, Marshall mentions a situation when a Nazi officer was questioned in the war crimes trial. The officer said that it was common to use, as they called it “office talk,” the way of speaking that denies responsibility. For example, common answers to the question “Why did you do it?” would be: “I had to,” “Company policy,” or “It was the law.”

Denying responsibility for our actions makes us dangerous, and at its worst, it makes us a tool for others’ tyranny. Now, tyranny doesn’t have to be a world scale to matter. It can be a household one, where one person dictates what others do, and others simply accept it without stating their own thoughts even if they feel it is unfair or wrong. In any case, it is not good for anyone to contribute to that, and it breaks communication and promotes violence in relationships. 

The third form of communication that stalls relationships are on the other side of the previous example - being the one who imposes his will onto others.

When you start to think in terms of “who deserves what” you contribute to violence in relationships. It is best for everybody that people change because they see value in it for themselves, not because they are forced to do so. The bad effect of forcing others to submit to your will (apart from the obvious), is losing touch with the feelings and needs of others and yourself. It also makes you feel that there is something wrong with you. 

Such type of communication supports unfair hierarchies and domination societies where a small group of people controls everything disregarding others’ well-being. The more people are taught to think in terms of shoulds and have-tos spiced up with moralistic judgments, the easier it is to control them. With such an attitude, people will learn not to trust their own feelings and they will look out for authorities to tell them what is good and what is bad. 

When we are in contact with our feeling and needs, we no longer make good slaves. We are also much more able to communicate in a nonviolent, productive manner that makes the lives of all involved better, not worse. 

If enough people will use no judging, imposing their will or denying responsibilities in their communication, the better and more beneficial our relationships will be. 

And that is a big step towards a better society, don’t you think? ; )

“Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and right-doing, there is a field. I’ll meet you there.”

Rumi.

Based on: Nonviolent Communication by Marshall B. Rosenberg, PhD

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