What does it mean to be assertive?
Many of us come into adulthood with damaged abilities to:
Show our real feelings;
Giving and receiving openly;
Asking for things directly;
Telling our opinion;
Taking care of our interests;
Saying No to what we didn't want;
Act as if we deserve great things.
Unfortunately, without these skills we are incapacitating ourselves, giving away our power and staying wounded, unsure, unrealised.
As we mentioned on the poster, being assertive is:
To ask for 100% of what you want from 100% of the people in your life, 100% of the time.
To enjoy emotional and physical safety. No one has the right to hurt you, even if she loves you.
To change your mind or to make mistakes.
To decide when and whether or not you are responsible for (a) finding solutions to others’ problems or (b) taking care of their needs.
To say No or Maybe without pressure to decide in accord with someone else’s timing.
To be illogical in making decisions.
To have secrets, to decide how much of yourself or your life you choose to reveal.
To be free to explain your choices or not (includes not having to make excuses or give reasons when you say No).
To be non-assertive when you see that as appropriate.
To maintain the same principles, skills, and rights of assertiveness with your partner, parents, children, or friends
It allows you to:
Be clear about your feelings, choices, and agenda (therefore being honest with others and yourself);
Ask for what you want (therefore building relationships that last and satisfy);
Take responsibility for your feelings and behaviour (and being a grown-up).
Here are a few helpful principles to guide you in becoming more assertive:
When practising assertiveness, you may first feel vain, cold, petty, selfish, impolite or demanding. Don’t try to fight this voice, just try to slightly dub it over by acting as if your wants and needs were worthy. The behaviour will change your attitude.
Act as if you are the healthiest person you can be. Don’t wait until you feel ready. “Acting as if” is a form of play that allows you to grow your self-image and encourages you to grow.
When you ask strongly for what you want be ready to face rejection. Then you have to let it go. By no means, being assertive equals being abusive. Aggressive people demand (openly) or manipulate (secretly) to get what they want. Assertive people ask, without inhibiting themselves or pressuring others. Assertiveness is “power to”, not “power over”.
You don’t hurt others by being assertive. “If other feel hurt it might mean 1) you are bullying them, being aggressive, 2) they are not open to interacting with an assertive person, or 3) the assertiveness has triggered negative feelings in them from the past.
No one creates your feelings. There is nobody to blame for your situation. Whatever you have been doing, you somehow are choosing even if you consciously don’t want it. Take responsibility for where you are right now if you want to change something.
Assertiveness means taking care of yourself. That means that sometimes speaking up is not the best choice if the person is violent or out of control. Getting away might be the most assertive response to a threatening situation.
Assertiveness is noticing when you need time off to process your feelings and plan your actions.
Acting is the main part of being assertive. “This being the case, how shall I proceed?” is the assertive approach.
You can be informed about others behaviour instead of being affected by it. You can observe their behaviour without having to react to it or let it control you.
You may ask people to understand, hear, and acknowledge you, but you do not need their validation. Your feelings stand on their own merit and every time you express them you validate yourself.
When you are assertive you can validate others feelings by showing that you see the legitimacy of their feelings and that you understand and care about them for what they feel. This is much more self-empowering than self-defence in which you try to discount their feelings to avoid facing them or because you feel guilty for “causing” them.
Being assertive enables you to present yourself and your position to others honestly. Your satisfaction will no longer depend on whether another person acknowledged or agreed with you. You will no longer wish you said more.
You will be able to say “I spoke in accord with the truth accessible to me at that moment and that is enough, even though I might have said it more effectively”.
Assertiveness will feel fearsome and risky because you are not in control of the outcome. You will stop trying to control others’ behaviour and circumstance. You become brave and capable of living your truth.
To sum it up, the way of the healthy ego (assertive person) is to:
Say yes when you mean yes, no when you mean no, and maybe when you mean maybe.
Show your feelings, choices, and agenda openly.
Check out your fantasies, doubts, fears with those whom they concern.
Tell people it is not acceptable for them to judge, hurt, or blame you.
Ask for what you want. And listen to what others want.
Acknowledge your feelings and feelings of others without having to feel guilt, blame or shame.
Exercise nurturance, appreciation and welcome constructive criticism.
Take responsibility for your life, how you feel and where you are.
Accept others rights for their assertions and feelings to you.
Finish your emotional unfinished business directly with people involved or in therapy.
Admit your mistakes, oversight, offences, and make amends.
The achievement of healthy assertiveness is a challenge to everybody on their way to mature adulthood.
We hope this information will support you on the journey to your full blossom as a mature and mentally healthy individual.
This is a series based on "How to be an adult" by David Richo.The previous article from the series here.
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