The last time we introduced you to the main skills of a Mindful Warrior:

• breathing deeply and slowing down

• observing

• listening to your values

• deciding on actions and going through them

Today we will explore the Observing skill.

Basically, this is a skill that allows you to see with clarity what’s going on in your life. Without it you won’t be able to work further through your challenges.

We will look at two stories – about Zack and Clare.

Since it is easier to spot the wrong in others than ourselves, we will practice on their stories first. 

As you read about what has happened to Zack and Clare, try to figure out if they are paying attention to their feelings? Are they acting with courage? Are they using the Mindful Warrior skills?

Zack’s Story

Hi. My name is Zack. I’m fifteen years old. I’ve been suspended from school for a week. They say I have trouble with anger. It all started in my freshman year because I didn’t fit in. There were a few different groups: the show-offs, the in-crowd, the nerdy guys who had no friends and were into books and stuff. And there was one last group – the tough guys. They ruled the school and everybody was scared of them. Not that I would admit it, but I was scared of them too. They spent their time insulting people who weren’t in their group. I didn’t want to get in their way, but I was kind of skinny and probably it was a matter of time before they would come after me as well. I realized I had to do something. 

I decided to get into their group so no one would touch me. I remember the day I hooked up with them. There was a guy named Amier who everyone teased. So I decided to spread some nasty rumors about him around school. Looking back, I feel like crap about what I did. The tough guys loved what I had done, so I was in their group from then on. Everybody started seeing me as a bully. So I had to maintain my reputation by acting tough and picking fights, otherwise I’d be  a goner. Amier got really hurt by what I did and had to see a counselor. Later on, his dad filed a complaint against me so now I'm suspended. People keep telling me that I'm a bully. Now I feel like crap. There must be something wrong with me. I feel kind of disgusted with myself, but I won’t say it to those guys. I’m so angry. 

Clare’s Story

Hi, I’m Clare. I’m seventeen. My two brothers and I live with our mom. 

It all started last year. My former best friend, Abby, was madly in love with Hisham, but Hisham didn’t like her — he liked me. One night we were at a party and Abby came in and saw Hisham and me talking. She was so mad that the next day she spread nasty rumors at school about me and Hisham. Now the whole world thinks they know all about me. As for Hisham, he won’t even look at me. Even though he knows it’s all lies, it’s like it was all my fault.

In one crazy moment, I lost my best friend, a boy I liked, and my school life. I feel like my life is over, just because of this one thing.

So now it's the school holidays and I’m sitting at home. Plus, I can’t face my so-called friends. So my life is pretty much me in my room.

Now, in order to understand how to use the observation skill, let’s do a few exercises.

Exercise 1: Notice What’s Going On with Zack and Clare

Take a minute to think about what’s happening to Zack and Clare in these stories. More specifically, observe whether they seem like mindful warriors: 

• Are they persisting in what matters to them? 

• Are they acting with flexibility by observing and working with their thoughts and feelings, or are they being inflexible and running from themselves? 

It’s often much easier to see what’s going wrong for other people than it is to observe what’s happening in your own life. Think about their situations, then answer the following questions:

• How would you sum up their situations? What do you think is happening to Zack and Clare? Think of a few things that are really obvious about each story.

• Can you sum up how they feel right now in just a few words?

Here are some possible answers:

Clare

• Clare was embarrassed at school and among her friends. It wasn’t her fault, but she’s unsure what she should do now. At this point, she’s isolating herself from friends.

• She feels like one event ruined her life.

Zack

• Zack felt afraid and decided to play tough. He started bullying a boy, and now he’s suspended.

• He feels bad about himself,  like he’s defective. He also feels angry all the time and has tried to vent his anger by punching things.

Even though their situations are totally different, we think both Zack and Clare are feeling stuck, even though that shows up in different ways. They feel stuck in life situations that they don’t want to be in, and they’re also stuck in their thoughts about how to escape. Their minds are trying to think up of ways to get back in control.

Now let’s think about you. 

Exercise 2: Noticing What’s Going On In Your Story

What’s your story? What can you observe about what’s going on in your life right now? Take a minute to sum up your travels through life and any battles you might have. Are you like Clare or more like Zack? Or maybe you aren’t like either one of them. 

Take a few minutes to write your own story and the struggles you’re facing. If you feel stuck(!) about what to write, tell the story of how you ended up reading this article. 

Now see what you might observe about your story. And when you read through your story, does “stuck” describe how you feel sometimes too? Are you maybe caught up and feeling insecure, angry, or fearful? Or maybe you feel trapped by things that have happened to you. If “stuck” or “trapped” don’t seem to apply to your situation, maybe another word or two comes to mind to sum up your situation, like “struggling,” “unsure,” or “afraid.”

The wrap-up

The point here is to understand that negative feelings arise and it is normal, but instead of suffering and making bad decisions, there are always better ways to deal with them. By using Observing Skill you will learn to notice emotional pain you might be having, and as a result you will be able to solve your problems effectively and will be more resilient to difficulties in the future. 

If you like this article, please consider reading the original source:

“Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life for Teens: A Guide to Living an Extraordinary Life” by Ann Bailey, Joseph Ciarrochi, and Louise L. Hayes.

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