Frientimacy by Shasta Nelson: Positivity in Relationships.
It is curious that despite living in a hyper-connected world, many of us feel lonely and as if we lack friends we can truly connect to.
Recently I encountered a book by Shasta Nelson called Frientimacy that promises to aid us in this challenge by showing how to create meaningful connections with your friends. I think it’s a worthwhile read, so here is a little summary of the first few chapters.
The main message is this:
Friendships can be and should be an intimate (wholistic) connection between people where everyone feels safe and seen by spending a meaningful time together.
The author of the book suggests that there are three components of building such a connection:
Positivity: feeling satisfied with our connections.
Consistency: feeling safe and trusting.
And Vulnerability: feeling seen and seeing another one deeply.
The positivity point has a lot to do with giving and receiving, the point which lots of us feel uneasy about.
Most people tend to feel like they are the givers in the relationships as if the other party is mostly there to take and benefit from them.
The author suggests that after conducting her research, this proves to be a common false perception.
She proceeds to tell us, why we might feel that way and why we feel resentful about giving in our relationships:
Our unmet needs are in the way. When we are depleted it is hard to give and very easy to become overly protective of our energy. Solution: start with yourself and make sure your needs are met and heard by you.
We fear being taken advantage of. By expecting the worst from people around us, we naturally behave worse than we could. Instead think: “By giving to others, I’m giving to myself.”
We overestimate our input. Try noticing how another person is trying to give to you too.
We keep scores. This is a bad habit that is highly subjective and might not tell you the exact reality of how things are. Instead, try thinking about how is your giving perceived by others.
We give what we want, not what is needed. We assume another person has the same worldview as us, making the mistake of giving what we ourselves would like to receive. Try finding out what the other one really wants and needs for your gifts to be appreciated and valued.
The book Frientimacy is full of usable advice, so I encourage you to get it in case you are struggling with building relationships that feel meaningful in your life.
As for now, we pause here. Next month I’ll be back with a summary of the next chapter: on Consistency.
To take away:
“A meaningful, lasting friendship brings much more joy than sorrow”.
Happy friendships,
C. Fox